Interview with the swedish activist and prostitution survivor Merly Asbogard

Sweden is the first country in the world to endorse the Nordic model – the Sex Buyers Act. Under the Nordic Model, pimping and buying sex are prohibited, while women in prostitution have access to support and rehabilitation. This law was enforced in 1999. Since then, the purchase of “sex services” in the country has decreased by about 50%, and fewer women are trapped in the sex trade. However, the battle never ends. The sex trade lobby often insists that the law did not reduce the sex trade, and it only adversely affected women in prostitution. Want to know the truth? Read the interview I had with Swedish prostitution survivor and activist Merly Asbogard. Enjoy reading!

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Huschke Mau: Dear Merly, would you please introduce yourself and your background?

Merly Asbogard: I was born in Colombia in 1985 and came to Sweden as an adopted child in 1986. I was raised in an almost exclusively white middle-class society with a lot of racism. When I was 14, I was forced into prostitution by a friend of mine who took advantage of the fact that I had been severely sexually abused in school. I stayed in prostitution for 16 years.

HM : what about your organization?

MA: Gardet is a feminist organization for women with a strong online presence. We discuss the different types of men’s violence against women and children and also illuminate the structural patriarchal oppression that women suffer from in Sweden, but also in other countries. We have a little over 600 members and 44 thousand followers on Instagram.

HM: Prostitution is legalized in Germany. We are often referred to as the ‘brothel of Europe’ – with prevalent forced prostitution and human trafficking. We, women who survived prostitution and activists, want the Nordic model to be introduced in Germany as well. In Sweden, the Nordic model has been around for 20 years. Can you explain to us what is the Nordic model?

MA: The Nordic model is a law that criminalizes punters, i.e. sex buyers because it takes on the feminist perspective that prostitution is part of men’s violence against women. The slightest punishment consists of fines, the maximum is a penalty of 2 years in prison. Now the Swedish government wants to cancel the fines and put a prison sentence on every sex purchase. This hasn’t happened yet but is very likely coming soon. One is also working to punish sex purchase even if Swedish men have purchased sex in other countries.

HM: During the discussion about the Nordic model in Germany, the same arguments of the pro-prostitution lobby, come up over and over again. According to them, Sweden is a very gloomy place for women in prostitution. I would like to ask you some questions about that. First of all, has the number of punters increased or has it decreased? In Germany, it is assumed that 1,2 million men go to prostitutes every day, statistics assume that one in 5. men do this.

MA: This is a difficult question to answer because the Nordic model was introduced at exactly the same time as the rise of the internet which offered an alternative venue for buyers. That said, according to every evaluation report the number of punters has decreased, even though only about 10 % of Swedish men bought sex before the law.

HM: Is it true that migrants are expelled from Sweden, as we often hear when they are picked up in prostitution?

MA: That’s how it used to be. But now we know more and know better and make individual assessments and it is being examined in which circumstances the woman in Sweden was in prostitution and what the situation in her home country is like. As an immigrant, you can legally stay in Sweden for 3 months, as a tourist, alternatively, you can ask for asylum, or you try to find a job. If you do find one, you can stay. Victims of human trafficking or prostitution are eligible to apply for asylum-seeking status. However, it’s impossible to claim prostitution as a valid occupation for Visa purposes. But you always have the right to ask for asylum, and prostitution and human trafficking are explicit reasons to grant asylum in Sweden!

HM: is it true that prostituted women have problems finding an apartment or also become homeless because the law prohibits landlords from renting rooms to women for the purpose of prostitution?

MA: Nope! That’s a lie. It’s against the lease law to use the apartment for prostitution, but just because you’re in prostitution, you are not denied the lease. And I don’t know a single case where even a single woman lost her lease for being prostituted. This really only happens with brothels or pimps.

HM: Is it true that prostitution goes “underground” when you introduce the Nordic model?

MA: Of course it’s illegal to advertise prostitution now, but you can still find the online ads. But human trafficking business is driven underground for more than one reason. However, having to sell their “goods” forces them out of their complete invisibility.

HM: Is it true that punters are more brutal in Sweden? We often hear the claim of the pro-prostitution lobby, that the “good” punters stay away, keeping around only the inherently lawbreaking violent ones. So is there more violence against women in prostitution in Sweden?

MA: No, Sweden doesn’t have a single murder of a woman in prostitution by a punter. Whether brutal or not, the type of john remains the same – violence has not increased.

HM: Is it true that children are being taken away from prostituted women in Sweden?

MA: No, you don’t lose your kids here because you’re in prostitution.

HM: How would you describe the difference between the situation in Germany and the situation in Sweden?

MA: There are worlds apart. I would say the main difference is how society sees prostitution. We had the case here in Sweden, where a public figure was caught in a brothel and subsequently lost everything. Swedish society does not accept men buying women. Over 75 % of all Swedish people support the Nordic model!

HM: When we introduce the Nordic model in Germany, is there something we can improve on? something to pay attention to?

MA: Yes, make sure you provide enough exit programs and that enough information is available about all aspects of prostitution. And set up enough rules and behavioural guidelines for all parts of society who regularly have contact with women who are in danger of falling into prostitution or are already in it.

Coronavirus and Prostitution – urgent!

author: Huschke Mau

translation: Inge Kleine

Dear friends,

As an ex-prostitute there’s something I urgently want to tell you. Because other women in prostitution can’t do it right now. That’s because they are currently busy with something else …

… with surviving.

Corona has a tight grip on our social lives right now, and I welcome all measures by the government and by the states that have been taken now (even if very late), and hope you are all reasonable and isolate as much as possible not to endanger older people, those with immune-deficiency, cancer, other prior illnesses, etc. We now have to show solidarity, above all solidarity to the vulnerable. And that is precisely who I want to speak about now. Because women in prostitution, and I belong among them, too are a vulnerable group and the question is, which measures can now count as solidarity with regard to this group.

The City of Stuttgart has just now PROHIBITED prostitution because of the Corona-virus, and before you cheer and clap: this is a catastrophe.

I’ll explain why:

Like almost everywhere, prostitution in Stuttgart consists by 80% to 90% of women from South-Eastern Europe in forced prostitution or prostitution out of poverty. These women often have

No health insurance, or very inadequate insurance
Obviously no employee status or a very inadequate one
Very often no entitlement to any welfare or social benefits (HartzIV)

These women, as well as the vast majority of German women in prostitution, are there by force and poverty. If they don’t do it today, they won’t have any money tomorrow, nothing to eat – and nowhere to live.

What will happen in Stuttgart now is that these women either can’t afford to stay out of prostitution, or anyway aren’t permitted to because of their pimps. They’ll do it clandestinely, BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO CHOICE. And that is the sticking point here. They’ll have to do it, and if caught, they’ll be fined. The fines collected by the state which they then have to pay off in instalments mean more money they’ll have to make with more prostitution, AS THEY HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE. And by the way, the rent for the rooms in the brothels is likely to remain the same these days just like on all other days. That means: the fines and the rent will add up to even worse debts incurred by these women than what they already have to deal with, and that means they will be even LESS ABLE TO EXIT PROSTITUTION THAN NOW. And: they will expose themselves to even worse health risks in these times of enforced secret prostitution. Because the dough’s gotta be made. For food, rent, pimp, and the children in Romania. And that means: Since many johns are staying away anyway, johns have more power and can more easily insist on sex without condoms.

Does this look like protection? DEFINITELY NOT.

So please do not rejoice when you read this news. Because it is terrible for the women affected.

What would really help?

A wolf in sheep’s clothing: sexual assistance

The speaker of the faction of the Green Party in German Parliament, Miss Elisabeth Scharfenberg, mentioned to the newspaper “Welt am Sonntag” she could imagine that municipalities pay for so-called “sexual assistance”, this means sexual services for old, demented or disabled people. Since this incident there have been much reports on the media that these people were entitled to sex and that they suffered loneliness, a lack of intimacy as well as tenderness. This made me extremely angry not only as an ex-women in prostitution, but also as a thinking and feeling human being. What is really presented to us?

First of all, “sexual assistance” is an euphemism for prostitution. If you take a look at the offers, you will find: kissing, smoothing, cuddling, petting, oral sex and classic sex. Where is the difference to “girlfriend sex”, to its “intimacy and affection” to which women in prostitution have to bring themselves to do it and which often leaves them emotionally traumatised?

It also makes me angry that it is tried to make us believe one hour with a women in prostitution could solve a problem for the old, demented or disabled people which they really suffer: exclusion from society, emotional neglect, a lack of people working in care which leaves no space and time for a conversation between caretaker and patient, for putting a hand on one’s shoulder, for a cup of coffee or for a small talk. All these problems won’t disappear if you redeem one hour paid sex on prescription!

Furthermore, I am asking myself: what kind of policy it is if, as suggested by “pro familia”, the reaction to assaults on nurses by old demented men is providing them a prostitute? Although these men aren’t guilty due to a lack of impulse control caused by dementia – is this the way how we want to handle with assaults in the future? Who will be the next to get a prostitute on prescription – everyone who can’t keep their hands on themselves? And there it comes again: the theory of acting out the drives, assuming that prostitution was effective against rapes. It has been disproved hundred times, but anyway it hasn’t been silenced yet. And I don’t get rid of the feeling that it’s also about tranquilising the patients.

With full intention, I didn’t use the female form for “patients”. (remark: in German language there is a difference between male and female form of a word) We’re all waiting in vain for the army of male sexual assistants who provide their services for grandmas. How I read in several articles, the “right for sex” is valid for all. So come on, bring us the young guys! But as I have to read, the demented old women are sent to their rooms alone with a vibrator. Generally, how shall I imagine all this? Do these old women, who possibly experienced mass-rapes by allied armies at the end of the Second World War, who had to exercise “duties in a marriage”, who (until 1997) couldn’t file charges against rape in marriage, do these old women now have to recognise how the old men still use their alleged right for sex and women’s bodies?

When I read that “old and disabled and demented people have a right for sex, too”, I am surprised about the commixture of dimensions. Well, everyone – female and male – has the right for his own sexuality, in case that no one else is burdened. Disabled people have a right to live in places where they have enough privacy for masturbation or sexual exchange. Old men shouldn’t be shamed for the sex they have. Yes, this right for sexuality exists, but there is NO right that males or females are provided another person joining the act. “Sexual assistance” is a wolf in sheep’s clothing which pretends focusing on disabled and old people, whereas in reality it’s about establishing control over women’s bodies. Prostitution is a big business in Germany. Why not to open up new markets? Finally, all shall benefit from the meat market with young, often foreign women, pardon: all men. The demented, old and disabled ones, too.

By the way, Ms. Scharfenberg specified her statement on her homepage: “And that’s why female and male sexual assistants exist – people who come into nursing homes and fulfil sexual desires of its residents for money: When there is no more partner for them. When people are wishing exactly this.” Please consider it carefully once again: “When there is no more partner for them.”

Due to this statement all of us know exactly which suggestion will be made next by the defenders of prostitution from the Green Party.

A word about Amnesty International

The event at the Leipziger Museum der Bildenden Künste, in which we, from Netzwerk Ella, just spoke about prostituion, was protested ahead of our arrival. Because it is, apparently, IMPOSSIBLE and UNBEARABLE that prostituted women speak about prostitution. Inacceptable, indeed! One of the groups among the protesters (Berufsverband erotische und sexuelle Dienstleistungen/ professional association of erotic and sexual services etc.) was AMNESTY. Amnesty apparently doesn’t want those truly affected by the issue to speak.

This does not surprise, as Amensty threw us women in prostituion under the bus years ago, when they demanded a full decriminalisation of „sex work“ and EXPLICITLY INCLUDED JOHNS, TRAFFICKING, AND PIMPING. Their justification for this was, that every human being is supposed to have a right to sex and that it would be an act of DISCRIMINATION to prohibit men from buying it. What is clear to us is: there is a right to one’s own sexuality, but there is no right to have anybody else delivered at one’s disposal for this.

And: Anybody supporting johns, pimps and traffickers to walk free is not FOR us prostitutes, but AGAINST US. We also have a critical view of the contributions from the audience today. A woman “researcher“ categorized us as being “far too emotional“. Sub-message: “You’re just complete losers, victim-mentality, you can only cry and sniff, but I – well I can think.“ Surprise! We can think, too. (And some of us, BTW, also are also researchers.) Accusing women of being „too emotional“ is bestknown patriarchal. You complain that we “play the victims here“, but it is you who reduce us to our victim status, you are the ones to say that we’re just whores, incapable of thought or political analysis. This boundless comtempt of women does not surprise us in the least, however.

And then, at the end, being told we’re racist, because we draw attention to under what CONDITIONS women from the poorest European countries have to be on the game here. The CONDITIONS are racist and we denounce then – from you, not a syllable on that. It is only our giving VOICE to the criticism that annoys you. What is happening here in Germany is the worst kind of colonialism. Women from southeastern Europe are to suck German men’s dicks to survive. NOT A WORD from you on that. But to spell out this fact is racist? Lay of whatever you’re sniffing.

We’re not suprised at you. But we are surprised that you still call yourselves a human rights organisation. Be honest and call yourselves PUNTERS’ AND PIMPS’ ORGANISATION.

What your protested here was prostitutes speaking about prostitution.

For us, Amnesty has lost any credibility.

Amnesty – go fuck yourself.

(Huschke)

The punter: why men visit prostitutes and what men think about them

Next to my writing desk there is a box in which I collect bad memories. Every time when I have flashbacks or intrusive thoughts I use to note them on a sheet of paper, throw it into the box and shut it. The box is quite full. Today I churned a lot in this box, because I wanted to write about punters. Remark: in German language the word “Freier” sounds a bit like “freeing someone” and so it’s an euphemism for sexual abuse, an abuse committed by punters and it’s one of many examples that we live in a society which accepts sexual violence against women, normalising and relativising it. Due to a lack of alternatives, I use the term “punter” instead of “sex buyer”, because in prostitution sex doesn’t take place, it’s not about sex which is transferred from “sex worker” to “sex buyer” like a commodity. Strangely, only few things are spoken about people using this violence. In most of the cases it’s about women who should be allowed to do it. Then I get to hear about all these “self-confident, nice, likeable prostitutes” known by someone, but it doesn’t mean any content, because I also know some “self-confident, nice, likeable” receivers of unemployment pay which doesn’t keep me from criticising the system of unemployment pay for paying to less to people who need support. Disliking prostitution doesn’t mean to dislike prostitutes, but it means to understand the system of prostitution which is created by the punters due to their demand.

Some time ago I was asked how to recognise a punter and then I had to admit: if he doesn’t stand in front of you in a brothel, waving with a hundred-Euro-banknote, you can’t recognise them at all. No, even I am not able to recognise them on the streets, even not after 10 years in prostitution. The reason: they are quite normal men, but this isn’t meant as a relativation. If you ask men if they have ever been to a brothel, you will mostly hear lies (“I would never do that”) or they start telling you fairy-tales (“I went there only one time and it was so bad that I never did it again”) – if you her this, run away. Punters are very different guys. All kinds of people are among them, all jobs, all ages, all characters and they all have only one thing in common – more about that later.

About the punters

So, how are the punters, what to tell about them? One thing at first: all the stories about disabled men who need prostitutes to fulfil their sexual desires aren’t true. In 10 years in prostitution I haven’t met any disabled punter. Besides of this, it is discriminating to assume that disabled people wouldn’t find a consensual sex partner. Anyway, it is not valid for female disabled people, because they are abused above average.

It is also not true that “many ones come only for talking.” In all my time it was only 1, yes, in words: one. The fairy-tale of punters coming for talking is obviously only created for showing men as victims who – oh what poor guys – normally have to be strong and dominant and furthermore to make an euphemism for what they really do in brothels.

Punters are very different. I had punters who wanted to fuck me at the window of a skyscraper and to spit at me after that, let me crawl on my knees and squirt into my face. I had many punters who asked: “How much are you?”, thereby admitting that it’s not about buying sex, but a woman. I had punters with an evil grin when they recognised that I had pain, my punter was such a one. I had ones who brought drugs to consume them together with me. I had ones who loved to overstep my borders and to do what was not arranged. There were punters who wanted to show me their cupboard full of weapons when they were alone with me in their lonely house in the woods, together only with two huge dogs, without connection for mobile phone and surrounded by a two meter high fence, liking to ask me repeatedly: “Are you afraid now?”. Some ones felt exactly that I didn’t want to continue, but did it in spite of my feelings. Some ones were perverted or pedophile, some ones have already masturbated in the hallway of a brothel in an apartment building (so women out of prostitution got concerned with it and surely “liked” it), some ones asked me how old I was when doing it the first time. Pedophiles told me that they are attracted to very young girls or children: “I am working in a riding stable, there are very young girls, they’re getting horny when you give them the right saddle”). Other ones offered to make me pregnant (for what reason?). There were punters who were so convinced about their sexual performances that they claimed I was ashamed to take money for it, because “for me, it must also have been a pleasure.” There were punters who negotiated prices again and again and, when I didn’t reduce the price, accused me of being interested only in making money, telling me I should “become human again”, just like prostitutes were a kind of social-welfare-station for men. I had clients who thought they would make me a compliment with objectifying statements like “nice tits”. I don’t know how often I was asked if I “like to fuck”, while I was starring at the ceiling or at my nails, I don’t know how often I got to heat that it was “easily earned money”. If punters recognised that I was only able to serve them after consumption of drugs or alcohol, they gave it to me. Many ones had fun to torture me, fucking me endlessly long, until every part of my body was aching. One stood in front of me wearing a ski mask. Maybe he had the fetish to terrify women, however, it went wrong, because I just came out of the room with a whip in my hands. Another one told me he had chosen me, because he was sexually untrained and he tried with a plastic doll, but this wasn’t so great, so he took me. One was a Christian und refused, after the condom was slipped of, to give me his documents and to participate in the costs for the pill, because this had been “unmoral and murder”. Another punter insisted to force me to have an orgasm (“If I want you to have an orgasm, you have to get one, customer is king!”) and many ones apologised for not getting an erection, because then it would have been without pleasure for me.

If you are thinking that I had stood on the streets, now describing the worst level of punters, you are wrong. All these “nice guys” came to me in a brothel in apartment buildings or in Escort. By the way, customers on the streets aren’t only those ones with few money. In more cases these men prefer to get only few limits, but getting very aroused by exercising power over other people living in miserable conditions.

Accomplices – they know exactly what they are doing

If you take a look into punter-forums, you won’t get a better image. There are men torturing young women who don’t speak any word German with electricity in their cellars and are happy about it: “She’s starting to shiver when she sees me!” The reaction of punter-accomplices in forums: “Respect!” There are men who book a forced prostitute and are happy when she’s not used to fulfill sexual desires unquestioned: “She still doesn’t want to spread her legs, cute! Here you get real feelings, she’s not a machine. I took her anal until she could stand it no more.” Or you get to read about education measures and stepping over limits: “The first half year you should only book her as a slave until she got used to it” or “I am teaching her deep throat and believe me, she will learn it”. “It seemed she didn’t know that according to her insertion she offers anal and everything without protection, lol, in spite of this I did it, because it was offered.” “One year ago she didn’t make anal without protection, at first we had to teach her that she has to make it.” You can see that the sexual practises are getting rougher (jerking off into a face, spitting, fisting, cumshots, gangbangs, pissing on her, deep throat until she starts retching. You don’t get rid of the feeling that it’s not about sex, but torture and tantalising a woman. Again and again you read questions how resilient a woman is, how much anal she stands, how much cum she can swallow without retching, so all in one, how much she can stand and still keep on. “If she offers herself so cheap in a display window, she has to assume that a man wants more than negotiated at first!” They don’t care that in many cases she has to do it. In one thread a punter reports that a prostitute had told him she had three owners and had to be ready to serve clients 24 hours a day, to make everything without protection and she was not allowed to deny any practises. Furthermore, she was only allowed to keep 30 Euro from 130 Euro “wage” each hour. A comment from a punter without empathy: “Well, that causes mental damage, you see it. But at least 30 Euros are much money in Romania.”

About other women, wives and girlfriends

Punters don’t only talk about prostitutes in such a negative way, but also about other women (“German women are annoying for me, these fucked up emancipates”) as well as they talk negatively about their partners – I guess about half of them have a partner. Some ones say they still had good sex with their partner, but they needed variety, like a bon vivant who consumes women’s bodies like a variety of good wines. Many ones don’t have sex with their partner anymore and say their wife would “deny them”, that she was “prude” and that it was her own fault if he went to a prostitute, because he was “forced by her.” Some ones told me that their wife denied practises suggested by them and that now they are sad about it, but anywhere they need to live out their fantasies. If you ask them about reasons, they reveal such big perversions that you don’t wonder anymore why their wives denied it. It becomes evident that men take themselves out of responsibility (to have no more sex is the woman’s fault) and that men believe they had a right for sex and anywhere they have to get it if not provided by their partner. Often they don’t even have a bad conscience. Once I was ordered for a house visit and the man was sitting on his sofa, above him a big-sized picture of his family. When he recognised my look at this picture, he told me happily that his wife was in hospital after the birth of twins, he was very proud about it and wanted to celebrate and because his wife couldn’t, he ordered me instead. Some punters told me in the childhood of their wives something bad had happened, that’s why they didn’t like sex now and, oh what a pity, especially no anal sex, oral sex with swallowing, fisting, or cumming into her face, so they had to go to a brothel. Here it becomes evident that not abuse itself (abuse on his wife, abuse of prostitutes by the punter) is the main topic, but punters even feel as heroes for not enforcing their “rights” on their wives. Abuse of partners goes so far that particularly they are involved into sex with prostitutes. How often did I hear “my partner is a bit bisexual, so I thought I’d do her a favour and order a prostitute and then three persons are involved in sexual actions.” I refused, because I knew that his wife wouldn’t know about the alleged bisexuality and that he only wanted to put pressure on her to do things which she doesn’t really like. No matter if they spare their wives or if they involve them, the punters present this as a favour for their partners which leads to such “nice” offers like this: “Hey, I would like to cum into my wife and you suck it out while I’d fuck you without condom, is that possible?” Men are acting so self-assured in matters of prostitution, because they think they were entitled to it. I was in quite many marriage beds and heard surprising calls of the punter’s wives (“Oh, I have to pick up the phone – yes, Darling, that’s nice, I’m looking forward to the evening with you”) and I wondered how experienced, conscience-less and self-assured they pretended something to their partners – why? If you do something of which you think you were entitled to it doesn’t need to hide his bad conscience, because he doesn’t have one at all! It must all be secret only for the reason that it could be uncomfortable if the wife complains.

In a very disgusting thread in a punters forum you can read that several times a husband ordered prostitutes for a house visit for penetrating them with his wife’s dildo und put it back unwashed – as a personal revenge on his wife who, according to his opinion, has to offer him sex, but doesn’t want to. I don’t even want to speak about all the guys who practise everything without protection and then go home and continue there. Although according to a punter’s opinion, both wives and prostitutes have to provide him sex, he makes an exact difference between them. Often I was told: “You’re too good for a brothel, you don’t belong to here”, which implicated that there are women who aren’t good enough (to be wives?) so that they belong into a brothel. But their disrespect for women hits both, partner and prostitute. It hits all women.

How to summarise that? Punters are men who look at women like useful animals. You can read this point of view in such statements: “I don’t need to buy a whole cow if I want to have some milk.” Punters also like to compare prostitutes with food or commodities: “At home I only eat soup, but I want to have pork meat, too” or “It’s ok to drive an average car, but from time to time it’s nice to have something sporty.”

The nice punter

Again and again I am asked if there weren’t nice punters, too, and yes, they existed. But it wasn’t important how nice someone was, but what he did. I had one who wanted to hold my hands all the time and then go eating with me. I hated these dates, because they lasted so long, in bed, too. He was one of these “nice” punters, and mostly they want to have “girlfriend-sex” which means intimacy, smoothing, kissing, and that’s exhausting, because it steps over personal limits. You have to be more like an actress and it spoils intimacy for you, just because it is demanded without limits. You aren’t allowed to keep something for you, because by imitating they don’t belong to you anymore, they become part of repertoire of entertainment and finally meaningless, because they are separated from the real me. In a future without punters they need to be demanded back and learned again. Moreover, you have the feeling to be abused and to abuse yourself, too, because you don’t leave a “hard core” for yourself to which the punter has no access. It’s like you belong totally to him. This punter wanted me to pretend being his affaire – he was one of the bon vivants who didn’t cope with his wife and he regretted me regularly that I had to serve other disgusting punters. Remarkably, he never got the notion that he was one of these disgusting punters, too. Punters think about themselves not as punters, only the other ones are bad, with exception of sadists who want to be remembered as the worst ones. He offered me a lot of money so that I wouldn’t need to do my “job” anymore, but for punters nothing is for free and they don’t help for free, no, for them a prostitute is public commodity and everyone wants to have a part of it and punters like to “help” for creating their own private prostitute. So I was expected to meet with him, but only with him and without payment. He wanted to shop me.

Men are so convinced to assume their right for sex that deep inside of them, they don’t see why they should pay for sex. If you act well, you had fun, too and don’t need to be paid and if you acted bad, you also don’t need to be paid for not having delivered the service. You can’t win!

The punter’s look at prostitutes is ambivalent: on the one side they wish to have a machine which treats all punters equally (“She has to make what she offers, no matter who comes”), denying a person is not an option, on the other side they want to be someone special – either because they were so remarkably good in bed or because as sadists they could beat up a prostitute very well. They never want to be like anyone else, like number 8 or 9 on the daily list. Instead you shell keep them in memory, for them it’s a matter of their ego.

Why men go to prostitutes

Several studies try to answer the question why men visit prostitutes. But German scientists forget that punters, when being asked, answer according to social expectations and then say “I am a romantic”, “I like to try different things” or “I get no sex at home” and so they are creating a view of punters which doesn’t reflect reality. In online-forums you will get much rougher impressions!

So why do men do it? Some ones are just sadists who hate women and want to teach them a lesson in hard core or hate-fucking. Some ones are poor guys who need to prove their masculinity, few ones are “romantics” aiming at a relationship. They all have one thing in common: they assume to have a right to sex, they have a certain disrespect for women and they are filled up with toxic masculinity. And they all know or at least could know that these women don’t act willingly and don’t like to have sex with them. But they just don’t care.

They order like from a menue: one full-french-service please, anal as the dessert, and then they choose a certain body on which they eat the whole menue. The aspect of choosing a body is the proof that sex is not a service or work: it is not unimportant who makes the service, because it is not only about sex, but about abusing a woman.

Even the “romantics” don’t really look for intimacy. They have a certain image on their mind and pay to get it in reality, no matter how reality feels for the woman. In this matter they are like sadists who also don’t care about the woman’s will. Prostitution doesn’t work without force. There will never be enough women doing it willingly so that a part needs to be forced. Often the punters can’t be sure if they have a forced prostitute in bed, and that’s simply uninteresting for them. The force on women doesn’t disturb them, only if they have to see it, because then their image is destroyed. Sadists are even aroused by knowing about force, whereas “romantics” won’t go to the prostitute anymore because their illusion is destroyed and other ones relativise it, saying in forums: “So what is force? Every morning I have to get up and eat something, that’s force, too.”

In the minds of punters prostitutes aren’t humans. If they say they have pain, “they only complain.” Punters like to have women with who they can do everything and still see a smile: a doll. According to a study conducted by Melissa Farley in 2011, 2/3 of all punters know that many women are forced by pimps, but they don’ care. 41% of them know directly that the woman is a victim of pimps, but in spite of this they go to her.

From punter to perpetrator

There were punters who exactly saw my disgust, but ignored it, for example saying “Don’t turn away if I want to kiss you” or “I have the feeling that you don’t want to see dicks anymore”. Some ones where aroused by my disgust, other ones didn’t come again due to their destroyed illusions. It’s about control over women. Some ones get angry if their illusions aren’t acted good enough, the other ones are happy if the facade of the woman’s self-control is destroyed and like to beat her additionally. The violence for which they pay is only one aspect, the other one is violence which was not negotiated: rape, torture and general violence against the body.

So finally it’s about controlling a woman and to let her do things according to the man’s wishes. And that’s the core issue of prostitution: it is all focused on the man’s needs, sex is always purchasable and he doesn’t need to do anything for getting it, he has free choice of women’s bodies and a rejection isn’t designed. Although punters like to hear that a prostitute decides to reject some clients (because it gives them the feeling of belonging to an elitist group), they can’t imagine themselves being rejected. Every time when I rejected clients, there was a big “No, no”, something which they hadn’t considered until then and something to which they reacted so sensitively as if I owed something to them, as if I was denying them access to a public good, as if I had broken the rules of the game.

If you think that I am speaking about a minority of ill-minded men, you are wrong. Looking at annual sales of the sex industry, it could be calculated that in Germany up to 1,2 million men go to a brothel daily. Every fifth is estimated to do it regularly and 3 of 4 men are estimated to have at least one time gone to a brothel. In these numbers it is not calculated how many ones only watch filmed prostitution (= pornography), because in a certain way, they are punters, too.

In a study Melissa Farley revealed that punters commit rapes more often than men who aren’t punters. You can draw the conclusion that prostitution teaches men: violence against women is legitimated in certain circumstances. It’s not only that many women who have already been abused end up as prostitutes, but also that they become victims of even more violence in prostitution. After having visited a prostitute, the men’s inhibition threshold for committing sexual violence is lower. This means in a whole: prostitution is the consequence of violence against women and in itself, it is violence against women and it is the reason for violence against women.

Prostitution concerns all women

Because of its connection with violence prostitution concerns all women. If one woman is for sale, all women are for sale: how often did I hear from punters that they rather “pay me than anyone, that’s too expensive, flowers, restaurants, and finally you don’t even get sex.” Furthermore, punters often like to play violent porn scenes in real and then define it as normal and as something to be lived out without consequences. Later they will suggest it to their partners or even demand it from them.

Prostitution doesn’t exist independently from our society, instead it is raised by society and needed by society to confirm the existing image of roles: the man is active and dominant, whereas the woman is passive and submissive. She is financially dependent on him, while he can sexually control her and her needs don’t have priority. It is anything but coincidence that the supporters of complete decriminalisation use to say this was still better than marriage, because both, marriage and prostitution, had the same basic principle. What a pity that we live in a society which can’t imagine a kind of sexuality based on equality and causing no damage to each other so that it’s not necessary to pay any compensation.

Instead we live in a society which believes that men have a right for sex in all circumstances, even if a woman is forced. It becomes evident that desires of men seem to be more important than physical and psychical well-being and sexual self-determination of the women. That’s what prostitution is: the counterpart to sexual self-determination. The punters know it or even get aroused by it. So do we want to live in a society in which women have to grind down their feelings of disgust and in the best (!) case men don’t care about it?

Punters don’t look at women as women, only as objects, as bodies. They don’t know how she really feels, why she prostitutes herself, what she really thinks and what a life she had before and if she wants to be here or not. They all don’t care about the woman’s rights, her will and her feelings, and that’s what they all have in common. They pay for the non-existence of dignity as well as an own ego and will of a woman. So, the question is: why do we need an institution which makes this possible?